When I read that just because you ended up in the wrong room, doesn't mean you have to stay, something clicked.
At last, I have a definition of success of my own! And it is "to be adaptable."
Leave the wrong rooms. Pause when you discover you never chose your destination. Say oops, smile, and start over when you've defaulted to chasing tomorrow instead of appreciating today.
Our culture's obsession with measurable results keeps me hooked into the narrative you wisely questioned. I wish I could transcend the need for quantifiable data and trust fulfillment more. Perhaps this newfound focus on adaptability will help.
Thank you for such a thought-provoking piece, Bernadette!
Oh, I'd love to know more about how you arrived at the notion of being adaptable as the key, Rumi if you're open to sharing. Thanks for being in this room with me. 🧡
It’s a fresh idea and the how is complex, but I’ll do my best to catalogue my inspiration sources.
There’s Banksia. Your description of this ancient plant captured my heart and imagination, their profuse blooms a testament to how they’ve survived extreme climate swings, and fire, too. Adaptability is at the heart of their thriving.
Then there’s the research on habits. James Clear’s book showed me how habits create inevitability like nothing else—what is oft repeated over a long horizon has a profound impact on outcomes. And the key that makes positive habits stick? Adaptability. He says it’s counterintuitive, but habits that adapt are habits that last.
I also think of my first book. If I’d been stuck on the traditional notion that a non-fiction book manuscript is 40,000 words plus long, you need an agent and a book deal with a publisher to become an author, I would still not be an author today. I let go of all of those notions, and adapted my vision to keep a promise to myself.
Most importantly, fulfilling that promise to myself was exactly that, fulfilling. Some outward achievements leave you perplexed and underwhelmed. You don’t feel great; often, you don’t feel much of anything at all. This was definitely not my experience.
And yet, I’ve hesitated to call my book, or my authorship, a “success.” I Want To Remember This didn’t make me rich, land me on The New York Times Bestseller List, or even have literary agents asking to represent me for future publications. Some may even consider my book a failure since it didn’t achieve common metrics of success.
My defining success as “to be adaptable,” I am taking full ownership, leaving no part of success to uncontrollable outside forces. To put it in in active terms makes success an ongoing choice rather than a state you supposedly arrive at. Centering adaptability forces us to reckon with the truth that what happens next is never knowable—and what happens next is frequently not what we’d wish for—and to not let that stop us from living in a state of wonder and exercising our creativity.
At this point, I feel the need to make one amendment. Adaptability can be confused with compliance, hiding in plain sight, or “going along to get along.” After all, chameleons increase their survival chances by blending into their environments. But I’ve seen this mindset crush the souls of too many creative people, women especially.
So my definition of success needs a qualifier: “to be adaptable in service of thriving as yourself.” Something like that.
I appreciate your invitation to explore this. Having written it down, my thinking appears clearer than how jumbled and tangled like vines it was in my head.
Thanks for taking the time to share with me, Rumi.
Amen to this: 'to be adaptable in service of thriving as yourself.'
There's so much in what you say that resonates. How traditional metrics of 'success' is often outside our control and even if it arrives it can leave us perplexed and underwhelmed.
In mind shift terms, a lot of it is telling myself there are so many hours in a day; how do I want to spend them ( I'm retired). Who do I connect with? What is there I'm curious about?
I don't need a lot of "stuff ". Trying to get rid of a lot of physical objects. We're an acquisitive culture. That "must have " sensibility. Who says I "must have" it???🤣 I mean, I have very few answers and still tons of questions. But that's okay, too. ❤️
Bernadette, your story resonates with me. Pop used to tell me, “He who runs fastest gets farthest from the mark if they’re going in the wrong direction. Choose your destination carefully.” Wise words.
That was 50* years ago, so I remember his teaching more than any single episode. Over the years what stands out from both Pop and Mom are the principles and life lessons they taught me. More importantly, how they lived those themselves. It’s why my posts are called A Father’s Wisdom.
The performative society rewards sheepwalking and the conditioning is so powerful. We often think about what we may lose by walking out of the room.
I had to sit down, pause, and grab a pen and a paper to see it more clearly. Being in the wrong room (personally or professionally) is costly and convincing ourselves to stay is so damaging.
Last summer I was turning 44 and spent two weeks in Oxford. That was the opportunity to adopt a slower pace and better understand the multiple redirections I faced.
I had the chance to do the altMBA, and one of the steps in the process was to write Reflection Scripts.
So, I decided to reactivate this practice and this led me to value pen and paper a bit more, as I was more aware of some latent insights.
I wanted more clarity and intentionality.
Now, I see different types of intelligence. The emotional one is often mentioned and it’s a great point. From my notes, systemic intelligence is an essential layer, as it invites to better understand our role and possibilities within systems. This prevents us from spending too much time within rooms that will never feel like home, and frees us to make space for the right rooms.
Writing reflections sounds like a very worthwhile practice, Lilian. Isn't it amazing how quickly a change of place and pace gives us the space to be more intentional. Thanks for sharing with me.
Thank you for this. I've been reading that book you recommended (Thinking, Fast and Slow) and there's a lot to consider about how we experience life, the meaning we draw from it, the underlying biases ingrained in our thinking. Thank you for calling out the underpinnings of this idea. It assumes everyone is striving toward a particular achievement or "level of success", or even "level of happiness". And no doubt many of us are, given how common this message is in western civilization. I'm thankful for every thinker and writer who helps spread the idea that there are other options. Other ways to live life. Other ways to look at it and draw meaning from it.
It's a huge thing to realize that one has a choice (in what life we live and what we value in it).... and that whatever choice we make is ours to make, and therefore legitimate.
Thank you for being in this room and taking time to reflect with me, Teddi.
I'm sitting with your words.
'It's a huge thing to realize that one has a choice (in what life we live and what we value in it).... and that whatever choice we make is ours to make, and therefore legitimate.'
Enjoy your break. I am just back from one and getting settled back into a routine from unpacking to laundry to catching up takes time, but I am thankful I could have the break and trip. Your post made me think about a successful life. I will feel each day a success if I did something that made life better for others and myself. This includes using all our senses, including intuition, which leads to following up and contacting people who come to mind. Love needs to be a part of each day, and my destination will be a homecoming, not one on this earth, but with the source of love.
I have often felt uncomfortable in "that room". I've been finding it much more satisfying to be content, rather than "happy". I guess that's maybe subtle, ( which I'm generally not...) but there you go.
Thanks for sharing this moment and thought train Bernadette 👍🏻. This:
"Sometimes, with the best will in the world, you end up in the wrong room. But just because you arrived there doesn’t mean you have to stay."
I had a week of this last week, except it was like having a lunch life meeting with my former self. A self that wanted certain opportunities I never seemed to find, and then when presented with two of them last week, found myself feeling that they were now the wrong room. Overall feeling good about recognizing what isn't me anymore, but also coming to terms with letting go of an outdated vision of success.
Thanks for thought-scaping the experience. Very timely.
This resonated with me so much. I'm practicing attuning to what I need, right in the moment, walking down the street, writing, out and about with others... Thank you for another layer.
Your writing always drops me into a box of Miracle-Gro fertilizer, Bernadette. Up sprouts a completely unexpected thought. Thank you.
These days, I'm more focused on this question: Who will I be when I get there? The ‘There’ is only important as I consider what it will cost me to get there.
Long pursuits shape the pursuer. On the journey to any destination, I recognize that my attention, priorities, habits, values, and even my emotional reflexes are all being conformed in some way to get to that destination. That’s what causes me to consider, “And who will I be when I arrive?”
To use your example, will I become someone who savors the scent of baked apples fresh from the oven, or will I become someone perpetually scanning for the next milestone so I can congratulate myself?
Rooms educate. The longer we linger in them, the more we become like everyone else in them. In there, we’re taught what to applaud, what to envy, what to ignore, what to sacrifice, and eventually, who to become. So, it is good to ask, “Is that who I want to become?” If it isn’t, we should follow your example and go look for a different room.
When I read that just because you ended up in the wrong room, doesn't mean you have to stay, something clicked.
At last, I have a definition of success of my own! And it is "to be adaptable."
Leave the wrong rooms. Pause when you discover you never chose your destination. Say oops, smile, and start over when you've defaulted to chasing tomorrow instead of appreciating today.
Our culture's obsession with measurable results keeps me hooked into the narrative you wisely questioned. I wish I could transcend the need for quantifiable data and trust fulfillment more. Perhaps this newfound focus on adaptability will help.
Thank you for such a thought-provoking piece, Bernadette!
Oh, I'd love to know more about how you arrived at the notion of being adaptable as the key, Rumi if you're open to sharing. Thanks for being in this room with me. 🧡
It’s a fresh idea and the how is complex, but I’ll do my best to catalogue my inspiration sources.
There’s Banksia. Your description of this ancient plant captured my heart and imagination, their profuse blooms a testament to how they’ve survived extreme climate swings, and fire, too. Adaptability is at the heart of their thriving.
Then there’s the research on habits. James Clear’s book showed me how habits create inevitability like nothing else—what is oft repeated over a long horizon has a profound impact on outcomes. And the key that makes positive habits stick? Adaptability. He says it’s counterintuitive, but habits that adapt are habits that last.
I also think of my first book. If I’d been stuck on the traditional notion that a non-fiction book manuscript is 40,000 words plus long, you need an agent and a book deal with a publisher to become an author, I would still not be an author today. I let go of all of those notions, and adapted my vision to keep a promise to myself.
Most importantly, fulfilling that promise to myself was exactly that, fulfilling. Some outward achievements leave you perplexed and underwhelmed. You don’t feel great; often, you don’t feel much of anything at all. This was definitely not my experience.
And yet, I’ve hesitated to call my book, or my authorship, a “success.” I Want To Remember This didn’t make me rich, land me on The New York Times Bestseller List, or even have literary agents asking to represent me for future publications. Some may even consider my book a failure since it didn’t achieve common metrics of success.
My defining success as “to be adaptable,” I am taking full ownership, leaving no part of success to uncontrollable outside forces. To put it in in active terms makes success an ongoing choice rather than a state you supposedly arrive at. Centering adaptability forces us to reckon with the truth that what happens next is never knowable—and what happens next is frequently not what we’d wish for—and to not let that stop us from living in a state of wonder and exercising our creativity.
At this point, I feel the need to make one amendment. Adaptability can be confused with compliance, hiding in plain sight, or “going along to get along.” After all, chameleons increase their survival chances by blending into their environments. But I’ve seen this mindset crush the souls of too many creative people, women especially.
So my definition of success needs a qualifier: “to be adaptable in service of thriving as yourself.” Something like that.
I appreciate your invitation to explore this. Having written it down, my thinking appears clearer than how jumbled and tangled like vines it was in my head.
And THANK YOU for being in this room with me.
Thanks for taking the time to share with me, Rumi.
Amen to this: 'to be adaptable in service of thriving as yourself.'
There's so much in what you say that resonates. How traditional metrics of 'success' is often outside our control and even if it arrives it can leave us perplexed and underwhelmed.
I think your book is a triumph. 🧡
In mind shift terms, a lot of it is telling myself there are so many hours in a day; how do I want to spend them ( I'm retired). Who do I connect with? What is there I'm curious about?
I don't need a lot of "stuff ". Trying to get rid of a lot of physical objects. We're an acquisitive culture. That "must have " sensibility. Who says I "must have" it???🤣 I mean, I have very few answers and still tons of questions. But that's okay, too. ❤️
I love how intentional you are about the value of every day, Claudia. Thanks for sharing and reflecting with me. 🧡
Bernadette, your story resonates with me. Pop used to tell me, “He who runs fastest gets farthest from the mark if they’re going in the wrong direction. Choose your destination carefully.” Wise words.
So true, Penn. Can you remember the why or a given moment when he shared those words with you?
That was 50* years ago, so I remember his teaching more than any single episode. Over the years what stands out from both Pop and Mom are the principles and life lessons they taught me. More importantly, how they lived those themselves. It’s why my posts are called A Father’s Wisdom.
“But just because you arrived there doesn’t mean you have to stay.” 🍒🍒🍒 see you in June 💕
Have you ever found yourself in the wrong room, Kellie?
And any room lacking in the feminine perspective.
Actually similar room to the one you described!
The performative society rewards sheepwalking and the conditioning is so powerful. We often think about what we may lose by walking out of the room.
I had to sit down, pause, and grab a pen and a paper to see it more clearly. Being in the wrong room (personally or professionally) is costly and convincing ourselves to stay is so damaging.
Thanks for sharing this, Lilian.
'I had to sit down, pause, and grab a pen and a paper to see it more clearly.'
Can you say more about what triggered that process and what it looked like. It would be helpful for me and other readers.
I'm glad you choose to be in this room.
Thank *you* for shaping this room! 🙏🏾
Last summer I was turning 44 and spent two weeks in Oxford. That was the opportunity to adopt a slower pace and better understand the multiple redirections I faced.
I had the chance to do the altMBA, and one of the steps in the process was to write Reflection Scripts.
So, I decided to reactivate this practice and this led me to value pen and paper a bit more, as I was more aware of some latent insights.
I wanted more clarity and intentionality.
Now, I see different types of intelligence. The emotional one is often mentioned and it’s a great point. From my notes, systemic intelligence is an essential layer, as it invites to better understand our role and possibilities within systems. This prevents us from spending too much time within rooms that will never feel like home, and frees us to make space for the right rooms.
Writing reflections sounds like a very worthwhile practice, Lilian. Isn't it amazing how quickly a change of place and pace gives us the space to be more intentional. Thanks for sharing with me.
Absolutely! Planning micro-retreats is another one that’s so essential to breathe and zoom out.
Thank you for this. I've been reading that book you recommended (Thinking, Fast and Slow) and there's a lot to consider about how we experience life, the meaning we draw from it, the underlying biases ingrained in our thinking. Thank you for calling out the underpinnings of this idea. It assumes everyone is striving toward a particular achievement or "level of success", or even "level of happiness". And no doubt many of us are, given how common this message is in western civilization. I'm thankful for every thinker and writer who helps spread the idea that there are other options. Other ways to live life. Other ways to look at it and draw meaning from it.
It's a huge thing to realize that one has a choice (in what life we live and what we value in it).... and that whatever choice we make is ours to make, and therefore legitimate.
Thank you for being in this room and taking time to reflect with me, Teddi.
I'm sitting with your words.
'It's a huge thing to realize that one has a choice (in what life we live and what we value in it).... and that whatever choice we make is ours to make, and therefore legitimate.'
Enjoy your break. I am just back from one and getting settled back into a routine from unpacking to laundry to catching up takes time, but I am thankful I could have the break and trip. Your post made me think about a successful life. I will feel each day a success if I did something that made life better for others and myself. This includes using all our senses, including intuition, which leads to following up and contacting people who come to mind. Love needs to be a part of each day, and my destination will be a homecoming, not one on this earth, but with the source of love.
Beautiful, Virginia. 🧡
Thanks for being in this room with me.
I have often felt uncomfortable in "that room". I've been finding it much more satisfying to be content, rather than "happy". I guess that's maybe subtle, ( which I'm generally not...) but there you go.
I'd love to know more about have managed to make that shift in practical terms, Claudia.
Thanks for sharing this moment and thought train Bernadette 👍🏻. This:
"Sometimes, with the best will in the world, you end up in the wrong room. But just because you arrived there doesn’t mean you have to stay."
I had a week of this last week, except it was like having a lunch life meeting with my former self. A self that wanted certain opportunities I never seemed to find, and then when presented with two of them last week, found myself feeling that they were now the wrong room. Overall feeling good about recognizing what isn't me anymore, but also coming to terms with letting go of an outdated vision of success.
Thanks for thought-scaping the experience. Very timely.
This resonated with me so much. I'm practicing attuning to what I need, right in the moment, walking down the street, writing, out and about with others... Thank you for another layer.
Your writing always drops me into a box of Miracle-Gro fertilizer, Bernadette. Up sprouts a completely unexpected thought. Thank you.
These days, I'm more focused on this question: Who will I be when I get there? The ‘There’ is only important as I consider what it will cost me to get there.
Long pursuits shape the pursuer. On the journey to any destination, I recognize that my attention, priorities, habits, values, and even my emotional reflexes are all being conformed in some way to get to that destination. That’s what causes me to consider, “And who will I be when I arrive?”
To use your example, will I become someone who savors the scent of baked apples fresh from the oven, or will I become someone perpetually scanning for the next milestone so I can congratulate myself?
Rooms educate. The longer we linger in them, the more we become like everyone else in them. In there, we’re taught what to applaud, what to envy, what to ignore, what to sacrifice, and eventually, who to become. So, it is good to ask, “Is that who I want to become?” If it isn’t, we should follow your example and go look for a different room.