On Listening
I have a problem. And I’m starting to realise it’s costing me more than I thought.
Last week, my youngest son was trying to explain something important to me. He’s an adult now, articulate, thoughtful and wise. But halfway through his explanation, over-eager to make my point, I began to talk over him.
‘I wasn’t finished,’ he said.
I recognised my mistake immediately, and my heart sank. I’ve had this epiphany before - too many times lately, in moments when I wasn’t fully present. The truth is, I’m learning that I’m not the listener I thought I was.
And I know I’m not alone. When someone shares something, how often is our first instinct to relate it to ourselves? ‘I know exactly what you mean, I...’ When a friend mentions a problem, how quickly do we jump in with advice they haven’t asked for? We imagine we’re listening when we’re really waiting for our turn to speak.
Watch the exchanges around you. Friends talking over each other at the café. Colleagues in conversation who nod along while checking their phones. Partners who interrupt each other to correct minor details in a story, missing what was actually being said.
It’s not malicious. We’re not trying to diminish anyone. We’re just so eager to be helpful or be seen that we forget the other person had more to say.
But what my son taught me in that moment is this: when we don’t let people finish, they stop trying to connect with us.
I’ve been noticing the cost. Conversations that don’t quite go anywhere. The feeling that I’m missing something important that’s been left unsaid - the truth at the heart of a thought left hanging.
So I’m trying something. When someone speaks to me now, I’m attempting to stop what I’m doing. To actually look at them. To focus on what they’re saying instead of forming my quick response.
I stay quiet a beat longer than feels comfortable. I let them finish.
Some days I’m terrible at it. I catch myself interrupting and offering advice nobody asked for. But occasionally, something different happens. I press my lips together, and the person keeps talking. They go deeper. And for a moment, we’re actually connecting rather than just taking turns to speak.
I don’t always win the battle. But I do know that what I lose by not listening is far greater than anything I gain by talking.
Great self awareness. The people trusting enough to open up to you are lucky to have you in their corner.
Great insight. This is one of the reasons that I love coaching so much. It challenges me to truly become a good listener and to hold space for people as they process their thoughts and feelings, waiting until they're ready continue the conversation. Learning to sit in the silence has been uncomfortable, but so instructive. And on the flip side, when I am being coached, that feeling of someone holding space for me and listening deeply is such a gift. It's helped me realize how rarely people listen to us deeply in our daily lives and how much we cherish it when they do. We're so often navigating split attention and thinking about what to say and do next. Here's to noticing when we aren't listening as well as we'd like to be and to inviting ourselves, without judgment, to listen a bit more closely in the next conversation.