There are so many angles here, but i will choose one.
I have a principle called “Rupture & Repair.” We are always going to have relationship ruptures (like not being fully present when someone needs you to be) because operating in an unconscious state is the human condition. So my practice is in raising self-awareness when we know we have let someone down and then repairing the rupture when we are in a more conscious state.
So let’s say we didn’t give someone our full presence. Afterwards, once we have regulated our nervous system, we go back to the person and say, “Hey, yesterday when you opened up to me about your problems with work, i was distracted and not present for you. I imagine that made you feel dismissed and ignored. I need you to trust that you can come to be about things like this and for me to have your back and i let you down. However, i would love to listen to you now.”
Or something like that.
I find in my relationships these repairs increase stores of trust and it has a ripple effect where the ruptures aren’t as dramatic.
Great insight. This is one of the reasons that I love coaching so much. It challenges me to truly become a good listener and to hold space for people as they process their thoughts and feelings, waiting until they're ready continue the conversation. Learning to sit in the silence has been uncomfortable, but so instructive. And on the flip side, when I am being coached, that feeling of someone holding space for me and listening deeply is such a gift. It's helped me realize how rarely people listen to us deeply in our daily lives and how much we cherish it when they do. We're so often navigating split attention and thinking about what to say and do next. Here's to noticing when we aren't listening as well as we'd like to be and to inviting ourselves, without judgment, to listen a bit more closely in the next conversation.
I sneaked onto Substack just for your missive. Thanks for the gentleness of your words. Thanks for the implied challenge, love that you point out the malady as if you’re the only one ….
Such a great observation Bernadette, I’m as guilty as anyone for this and I’m also going to try to listen and not interrupt. I think mobile phones have a lot to do with it too - the addiction is real.i work in a library and a disgusted to see mothers constantly on their phones not paying any attention to their children when they point out a book or something they have read - I’m so glad they weren’t around when my kids were young.
It is definitely a practice! Certainly one worth doing. I go through stretches where I'm quiet and patient but I can take over a conversation sometimes eek!
Back in the 70s, when my husband was in seminary, he took a course on listening, pausing, and responding by restating the person's main idea or concern. I think it was called reflecting feelings. The next step was to ask if he'd heard the listener correctly. I told him I couldn't do it. Who had time to double-check and reflect feelings? If the person wanted to tell me something, I would listen, maybe ask a question for more clarification, and if they wanted help solving a problem, I'd give some suggestions. My daughter said, Of course you would. You're a mom and a teacher. That was then. Now, like you, I am trying to be a better listener who absorbs, pauses, and tries to let the other person know their experience and feelings are valued. Thanks for the good reminders in your post.
Thank you for sharing this Bernadette, our kids are always teaching us hey💕
I used to be a good listener, but after finding myself in this role more than was healthy, I had to pull back. True listening is so rare people tend to overuse those willing to be present for them in that way.
You’ve given me the impetus to use and develop this skill again, but with some better boundaries in place.
Thank you for the value you provide to us every week 🌻
It’s great to have company in this middle age growth phase 💕 I have written about my over-listening before, I’ll see if I can find it and maybe pull a story out of it.
Ps. The respectful listening culture you’ve created in Story Republic is rare and empowering.
It is such an experience, to realise you want to lunge into action, and to hold back that bit longer. Thank you for the reminder, which I need on the regular.
You are not alone; the vast majority of people believe they listen very well, when in fact they hear very well, unless, of course, they are audibly impaired.
Hearing is passive; it keeps us safe. Listening is intentional, and it makes a huge difference. The speaker will feel heard and that they matter.
Listening this way is like a muscle; we have to practice and be mindful they we will fail more times than we get it right.
I read somewhere that people want to be hugged, heard or helped. Yet the majority listen to fix, not to understand. And when we do listen to understand, the speaker invariably solves their own problem.
Blessings and thanks again for raising this important topic
Coincidently, you'll have to tune in tomorrow on LinkedIn for my latest #StoryBridges post is about two extremes. A recent exercise where I sat in complete silence letting someone speak for five minutes, with minimal/no reactions at all. That was quite moving. And I share a story where I had to speak without any gaps for fear of losing control of the conversation - a nervy wracking knock on my front door.
Haha. A great nation of interrupters! It's deep in the DNA. Almost reckon if a non-Irish person got an organ transplant from an Irish donor, they'd start interrupting people mid sentence.
I'm certainly no scholar on this one ... but love the energy that comes from a conversation where someone starts a sentence before another finishes theirs. Kinda like ordering a round of fresh pints to be lined up before the current ones are finished.
Great self awareness. The people trusting enough to open up to you are lucky to have you in their corner.
Thanks, Lee. I'd love to know more about your listening and leaving space for others experiences.
Thanks for the invitation, Bernadette.
There are so many angles here, but i will choose one.
I have a principle called “Rupture & Repair.” We are always going to have relationship ruptures (like not being fully present when someone needs you to be) because operating in an unconscious state is the human condition. So my practice is in raising self-awareness when we know we have let someone down and then repairing the rupture when we are in a more conscious state.
So let’s say we didn’t give someone our full presence. Afterwards, once we have regulated our nervous system, we go back to the person and say, “Hey, yesterday when you opened up to me about your problems with work, i was distracted and not present for you. I imagine that made you feel dismissed and ignored. I need you to trust that you can come to be about things like this and for me to have your back and i let you down. However, i would love to listen to you now.”
Or something like that.
I find in my relationships these repairs increase stores of trust and it has a ripple effect where the ruptures aren’t as dramatic.
Lee
I appreciate you sharing this, Lee. I'm imagining how impactful this must be, especially when you say those words to someone for the first time.
Great insight. This is one of the reasons that I love coaching so much. It challenges me to truly become a good listener and to hold space for people as they process their thoughts and feelings, waiting until they're ready continue the conversation. Learning to sit in the silence has been uncomfortable, but so instructive. And on the flip side, when I am being coached, that feeling of someone holding space for me and listening deeply is such a gift. It's helped me realize how rarely people listen to us deeply in our daily lives and how much we cherish it when they do. We're so often navigating split attention and thinking about what to say and do next. Here's to noticing when we aren't listening as well as we'd like to be and to inviting ourselves, without judgment, to listen a bit more closely in the next conversation.
I sneaked onto Substack just for your missive. Thanks for the gentleness of your words. Thanks for the implied challenge, love that you point out the malady as if you’re the only one ….
Thanks for being here, Dale and for taking the time to reflect with me.
Such a great observation Bernadette, I’m as guilty as anyone for this and I’m also going to try to listen and not interrupt. I think mobile phones have a lot to do with it too - the addiction is real.i work in a library and a disgusted to see mothers constantly on their phones not paying any attention to their children when they point out a book or something they have read - I’m so glad they weren’t around when my kids were young.
We all have work to do for sure, Janine.
Thanks for reading and taking the time to reflect with me.
It is definitely a practice! Certainly one worth doing. I go through stretches where I'm quiet and patient but I can take over a conversation sometimes eek!
What have you discovered in those quiet moments, Rayna?
Back in the 70s, when my husband was in seminary, he took a course on listening, pausing, and responding by restating the person's main idea or concern. I think it was called reflecting feelings. The next step was to ask if he'd heard the listener correctly. I told him I couldn't do it. Who had time to double-check and reflect feelings? If the person wanted to tell me something, I would listen, maybe ask a question for more clarification, and if they wanted help solving a problem, I'd give some suggestions. My daughter said, Of course you would. You're a mom and a teacher. That was then. Now, like you, I am trying to be a better listener who absorbs, pauses, and tries to let the other person know their experience and feelings are valued. Thanks for the good reminders in your post.
Thanks for sharing your story with me Virginia. Did your husband continue to use those skills he learned in his professional and personal life?
Yes, and he still does.
I wonder how that changes how he walks through the world.
His listening, observing, reflecting, relationships, and actions show a steady walk over even the most challenging paths.
Thank you for sharing this Bernadette, our kids are always teaching us hey💕
I used to be a good listener, but after finding myself in this role more than was healthy, I had to pull back. True listening is so rare people tend to overuse those willing to be present for them in that way.
You’ve given me the impetus to use and develop this skill again, but with some better boundaries in place.
Thank you for the value you provide to us every week 🌻
Thanks for the reminder about boundaries, Kellie.
I'd like to know more about your experience if and when you have time.
And I appreciate you being here every week to reflect back to me.
It feels like we're growing together.
It’s great to have company in this middle age growth phase 💕 I have written about my over-listening before, I’ll see if I can find it and maybe pull a story out of it.
Ps. The respectful listening culture you’ve created in Story Republic is rare and empowering.
It’s great to have company in this middle age growth phase 💕
Yes!
I look forward to hearing more of your stories.
And we'd love to have you back if ever the time is right.
We are of like minds here, Bernadette.
It's been a while.
Wishing you all the best!
So good to see you, Bob!
Thanks for being here.
It is such an experience, to realise you want to lunge into action, and to hold back that bit longer. Thank you for the reminder, which I need on the regular.
It's a hard habit of a lifetime to break, Michelle.
Thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone.
Thank you 🌿
Thanks for being here, Sue.
Insightful writing, Bernadette, thank you.
You are not alone; the vast majority of people believe they listen very well, when in fact they hear very well, unless, of course, they are audibly impaired.
Hearing is passive; it keeps us safe. Listening is intentional, and it makes a huge difference. The speaker will feel heard and that they matter.
Listening this way is like a muscle; we have to practice and be mindful they we will fail more times than we get it right.
I read somewhere that people want to be hugged, heard or helped. Yet the majority listen to fix, not to understand. And when we do listen to understand, the speaker invariably solves their own problem.
Blessings and thanks again for raising this important topic
Colin
Thanks for reflecting with me, Colin and for sharing this:
'I read somewhere that people want to be hugged, heard or helped. Yet the majority listen to fix, not to understand.'
I'll carry these words with me today.
Love LOVE this. Listening is a superpower.
Coincidently, you'll have to tune in tomorrow on LinkedIn for my latest #StoryBridges post is about two extremes. A recent exercise where I sat in complete silence letting someone speak for five minutes, with minimal/no reactions at all. That was quite moving. And I share a story where I had to speak without any gaps for fear of losing control of the conversation - a nervy wracking knock on my front door.
And we're such a great nation of talkers, Ciaran!
I can't wait to hear your story about those two conversations.
Haha. A great nation of interrupters! It's deep in the DNA. Almost reckon if a non-Irish person got an organ transplant from an Irish donor, they'd start interrupting people mid sentence.
Why do you think that is?
I'm certainly no scholar on this one ... but love the energy that comes from a conversation where someone starts a sentence before another finishes theirs. Kinda like ordering a round of fresh pints to be lined up before the current ones are finished.
That's a great analogy, Ciaran. But does that limit the ability to enjoy the pint you're drinking?
I feel it does (not a beer drinker myself!). Savour the final sip and/or words.